Thank you.

So this week is the week to remember what we're thankful for right?  Well, here goes.

I AM THANKFUL:

*for my parents!  They always seem to know when I need them, no matter the reason.  Whether it's a compliment, help on the house, or cuddling some grandkids.  Calling out of the blue to watch the kids so D & I can go eat a dinner - alone.  I am thankful.

*for my best friends!  I'm grateful that we still connect even having long distances between us.  Florida, Indy, & Australia - you got nothin' on us.

*for my husband!  I may give him a hard time about certain things, but he takes it well.  Very rarely does he let himself get stressed out, which is a trait I wish I had.  Sometimes I make myself step back and really just appreciate him for who he is.

*for my job!  All I have ever wanted since I had Emma was to stay at home with her.  But financially that was impossible.  I also had a small problem with just quitting working.  I have worked full-time for the greater part of the last 11 years.  I have always taken pride in the fact that I've been promoted multiple times in every job I've had.  I also have some feministic tendancies and hate the idea of being the typical "mom" who has a baby & quits her job.  So when I decided to go part-time after I had Dean, I was excited to not have to decide for one option or the other.  I am home with my kids Sunday-Thursday every week.  By the time Friday comes around, I am ready to get dressed in my suit, play with my makeup, and actually be a working woman for a day and a half.  After my half-shift on Saturdays, I'm back to being mama, and I'm excited for that time too.  It might seem weird to say, but I actually consider those 15 hours a week a BREAK.

*for my kiddos!  Even though I let myself get stressed out with the amount of work I feel like I have to do for them, it's all justified when I realize how lucky I am to even have them in my life.  They couldn't be more different in the way they were as babies, but that's what makes it fun!  I am excited to see who they grow up to be, and how their relationship develops between the two of them.  I was always so close to my brother, and I can only hope they are like we were.

*for my brother!  The guy just got engaged & bought a house all in the same weekend!  It's great to see him so happy & comfortable with his decisions he is making.  And I am thankful he found a fiance` I get along with and makes him happy.

*for my in-laws!  My mother & father in law are very helpful.  They let us live with them for seven months while we found our dream house.  They watch the kids at least once a week while we work.  They always put themselves second so they can help others first.  They may not get told enough, but we are thankful.

*for my house.  I feel so comfortable in my new house.  It feels like HOME & that is important.

I am thankful.

And stay out.

Stress,

I'm relieving you of your duties.  You have no purpose here in my life.  You only make things worse.

I will not worry about you from now on.  I will not let you creep into my head & make me crazy.

I am done letting you control anything that happens to me.

Get out.

And stay out.

Thanks, lauren

No caption necessary.

Overwhelmed because I'm overwhelmed.

I need to focus.  I need to make a list and stick to it.  I'm really good at making lists and writing down fabulous ideas.  It's the whole "do" part of the to-do list that gets me every stinkin' time.  I need to focus on the cheap/free things I can do for my home & family.  I don't want to add financial distress to my list.
1.  Goodwill everything I don't use.  I need to go through each room with a "no looking back" attitude and get rid of some stuff.  Does Emma really need all 502 stuffed animals in her room?  Or will we ever miss the junk still in boxes in the garage?  My thought is, if I haven't used it/missed it/needed it by now, then peace out.  Movies I'll never watch again.  Shirts I'm done with.  Shoes I've had since college.  Smell ya later.

2.  Organize what I do need.  Sure my bathroom closet is full of stuff I actually do use - deodorant, make-up, toilet paper.  But it's all just chillin' on the shelves.  Must get baskets pronto.  A place to put keys.  I box for my electric cords.  Etcetera.

3.  Finish projects.  I am super-dee-duper at starting projects.  It's the finishing that is the hard part.  Now, part of this has to do with my idea that it has to be perfect, so it must take a long time, numerous days, and lots of money.  Another factor is that most of it has to be done when at least one kiddo is asleep because if they're both awake, it's hard enough to go to the bathroom, let alone paint trim.  The third is, I've kind of always been this way.  It's definitely not genetics, because my parents finish everything they start.  And it's not laziness, because I've learned the hard way, that it just stresses me out more to put it off.  I'm slowly realizing that I just have to knock it out.  Dishwasher needs unloaded?  Just do it.  Don't turn the tv on, or wonder around for a snack - just empty the flippin' dishwasher.  I mean, that machine just washed all of those dishes for me.  Is it that hard to put them away?  See what I mean.
*A good side note to this is to not start another project until the first one is finished.  Great idea right? 

I should take my own advice.


Note:  Do not ever buy a fixer-upper & have a second baby in the same year.  Side effects may be stress, stress, and more stress.

Dean-o-mite

Four Month Check Up:

Weight: SEVENTEEN POUNDS/85%

Height: 27 inches/95%

Milestones: Rolling OvEr back to belly.  Now that he's figured that out, he doesn't lay on his back for long.  Lay down & roll over baby.  Reaching for things like tiny elmo or his pacifier.  He's tried to put the pacifier back in his mouth, but he's not that coordinated yet.

All of this is great news, except he is STILL not sleeping through the night.  Like, at all.  Like, still waking up every 3 to 4 hours.  I mean, this is his four month check up and he's still waking all the time.  You would think I'd get used to it, but no.  It's still very hard to wake up at 3:30 am every night.

However, his cuteness factor is through the roof.  :)

Re-think-everything.

I constantly evalutate myself.  My style.  My thoughts.  My habits.  I do all of this thinking & evaluating to make myself a better person, wife, mother.  Lately though, I've been wondering if it is making me better -or- worse.

I'm pretty sure I'm trying to be superwoman without knowing I'm trying to be superwoman.  Get it?

I mean, whenever I do anything, I think about how I'm doing it and if I could do it faster, cleaner, better, or more often.  Even if I am sitting down for a couple of minutes, I am thinking about what else I could be doing besides resting.  Then I get completely stressed out for the millionth time that day.

I never really felt this kind of pressure after I had Emma, but that's because I had much lower expectations for myself & my home.  Plus, I worked full-time, so I saw/cleaned/made the mess much left often than now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am in a constant state of review about what I do everyday, and it's starting to really stress me out.   But I can't stop.  I can't just let the mess be.  Do other moms & dads think this way?  Do they have trouble resting because there is so much more they could be doing? 

I can tell you one thing, I'm pretty sure my mom was superwoman.  She kept an immaculate house without letting her stress about it show.  She created a clean, but stress-free home.  That's what I want.  But I'm having trouble getting there.

Will I ever feel a sense of calm?  Will I ever stop being overwhelmed?